One day old man
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois
State Fair. There is this man selling plane
rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per
person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says,
"Martha, I think I really should try that."
Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but
we have a lot of bills, and you know the money
is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes
without. Over the next few years they return
every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to
ride, but Martha says no money.
Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old,
Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm
70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the
chance again, so I just have to have a ride in
that there airplane." Martha replies in the
same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps
down. The pilot is standing near by and
overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes
up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear
your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll
take both of you up together, and if you can
both make the entire trip without saying a word,
or even making the slightest sound, I'll give
the ride for free. But if either of you make a
sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy
look at each other, agreed to have some naughty
fun and took the ride.
The pilot takes
them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists,
dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot
lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says,
"Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make
even the slightest sound and that was my best
stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and
says, "Well, I was gonna say something when
Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
two heroic statues, one male and one female,
faced each other in a city park, until one day
an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he
announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a
special gift. I'm going to bring you both to
life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want." And with a clap of his
hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but
soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly
emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and
shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins
on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the
angel, being naughty and winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue
turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only
this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap
on it's head."
An Amish boy
and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The
father [never having seen an elevator] responded
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching
wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled
up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls opened and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched small circles of lights
with numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the
The walls opened up again and a beautiful
24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said
to his son, "Go get your mother."
This man, his
wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for
a drive in the country one afternoon in their
new convertible, with the top down. The husband
and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove
along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave
birth to seven puppies while laying on the back
seat of the automobile. The couple continued to
drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon
the road began to deteriorate and was beginning
to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran
over a deep pothole in the road, and one of
Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car,
landing on the roadway just in front of a police
car that had been following the man and his
officer switched on his lights and siren, and
soon had the couple pulled over to the side of
the road. What are you pulling me over for?
Queried the startled driver. The officer
responded, "I pulled you over for creating a
"Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard?
Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car
and put myself, and several other drivers at
risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your
Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please.
Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir.
Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I
was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is
Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer?
Well Sir, after I write your ticket for
"Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to
cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
with her all evening, the man couldn't take
another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he
had secretly arranged to have a friend call him
to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave
if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his
eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have
some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours
hadn't, mine would have had to!"
At a jewelry
store, a young man bought an expensive locket as
a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want
her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then,
ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love.
That way, if we break up and she throws it back
to me in anger, I can use it again."
A man and his
wife were driving through country on his way
from New York to California. Looking at his fuel
gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline
station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he
spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant.
"Fill `er up with high test," replies the
driver. While the attendant is filling up the
tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What
kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one
like it before." "Well," responds the driver,
his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy
is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "it has everything.
It's loaded with power steering, power seats,
power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with
a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts
per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion
steering, disk brakes all around, leather
interior, digital instrument package, and best
of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really
something!" "How much do I owe you for the
gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17,"
says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels
off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other
pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed
up with the change are a few golf tees. "What
are those little wooden things?" asks the
attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I
drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the
attendant, "those Cadillac people think of
wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but
the only job he could find was as an instructor
at an all female college teaching sex education.
His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith
decided he would tell his wife that he would be
teaching sailing at this college so that she
would not get angry. He was very happy and for
months all was well. As fate would have it, one
day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs.
Smith overheard a group of girls standing in
line behind her talking about college and their
instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on
about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching
their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her
change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith,
and thank you, again." One of the girls in line
heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she
was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching
at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is
my husband." Well that set off a torrent of
accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was
about the subject matter he was teaching, about
how he got the whole class to discuss their
fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs.
Smith was taken back by what she heard from
these girls and replied, "I don't know how you
find him to be so gifted at teaching you this
course. You know he only tried it twice in his
life. The first time he tried it, he got sick,
and the second time, his hat blew off and he
A pompous self
made grocer named Bates gets his son into an
expensive private school. On day One the whole
family is there to see the little blighter begin
his first day at school. The grocer, his family
in tow, saunters into the principal's office and
introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight
Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter
Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does
he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon
get him out of that terrible habit."
A stranger was
seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when
the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and
said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book,
closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How
about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an
interesting topic. But let me ask you a question
first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat
grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it
that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power
when you don't know shit?"
passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost
control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a
For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do
that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't
realize that a little tap would scare you so
much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a
cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for
the last 25 years."